Welcome to Week 2 of The Football Hoser's NFL picks, where we're still shaking our heads at the incredible cojones of Oakland Raiders HC Jack Del Rio going for the two-point conversion and the win. Somewhere, Al Davis is grinning. It's probably hell, but still.
opened the season with a 9-7 mark against the spread and 12-4 straight
up, but as mentioned previously, our mancrush on Andy Reid foiled us
again in the Lock and Trifecta departments. We also won our Thursday
night pick with the Jets handling Buffalo, although we couldn't have
been much farther off on how the game actually transpired. When the
loser had two TD passes that add to more than that team's total offense
from the previous week, we're not gonna feel too badly about being
The Bills also fired their OC this morning,
which might seem strange after putting up 31 points, but Buffalo had a
defensive TD and held the ball for just over 20 minutes of possession.
That's how you wear out a defense, and it's also how you piss off a head
coach that wants to control the ball.
On to the picks, and remember: using these picks to bet actual money is advisable as having your big medical records reveal on Dr. Oz.
Tennessee (+5.5) at DETROIT (47): How can you go wrong with a guy named Jim Bob calling your plays? "Take 'at bawwwl o'er there and runnit!"
LIONS 26, TITANS 19.
Kansas City (+2) at HOUSTON (43.5): Mancrush in effect.
CHIEFS 24, TEXANS 21.
Miami (+6.5) at NEW ENGLAND (41.5): As flat as the Dolphins were last week, well ... we expect them to be that flat all season. Even with a back-up and likely no Gronk, it's still Bill's world.
PATRIOTS 27, DOLPHINS 20.
Baltimore (-7) at CLEVELAND (43): When losing your starter and bringing in Josh McCown might be an upgrade ...
RAVENS 24, BROWNS 20.
Cincinnati (+3.5) at PITTSBURGH (47.5): We can deal with constantly being wrong, but it's hard to swallow that six years later, we still can't spell Cincinnati correctly on the first try.
STEELERS 26, BENGALS 23.
Dallas (+3) at WASHINGTON (44.5): Jerry Jones announced plans this week to make better use of the skills evidenced by Dez Bryant at the end of last week's game by stationing him in the parking lot, pointing cars into tough-to-see spots.
RACISTS 23, COWBOYS 21.
New Orleans (+5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (52.5): We're starting Eli over Big Ben in our fantasy league this week. God have mercy on our souls.
GIANTS 31, SAINTS 20.
San Francisco (+14) at CAROLINA (48.5): Two touchdowns seems a little much. Has Kaepernick convinced the entire team to kneel for the whole game?
PANTHERS 27, 49ERS 16.
Tampa Bay (+6.5) at ARIZONA (50): We had missed the Buccaneers trading up to get kicker Roberto Aguayo in this year's draft, but he was perfect in his debut, nailing four extra points and a 43-yard field goal. Meanwhile, the player drafted by the Chiefs in the swap, Notred Dame CB KeiVarae Russell, has been cut after one inactive game. And that in a nutshell is the NFL draft.
CARDINALS 30, BUCCANEERS 20.
Seattle (-3.5) at LOS ANGELES (38.5): It's kind of shocking the over/under number is positive.
SEAHAWKS 22, RAMS 17.
Indianapolis (+6) at DENVER (45): Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall lost endorsement deals with CenturyLink and Air Academy Federal Credit Union this week after kneeling for the anthem at Denver's home opener. Fortunately, he has picked up replacement deals including RushCard, Tru-Valu Kneepads and Ayatollah's Surefire Flag-Burning Kits.
BRONCOS 27, COLTS 20.
Atlanta (+5) at OAKLAND (48): Did it appear to anyone else that Derek Carr was wearing eye shadow against New Orleans? That would make a good graphic novel - "Goth Quarterback."
RAIDERS 26, FALCONS 20.
Jacksonville (+3) at SAN DIEGO (48): It's tough not to root for a guy named Melvin, isn't it?
JAGUARS 22, CHARGERS 20.
Green Bay (-2.5) at MINNESOTA (44.5): Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of the opposition like standing on the sidelines and hearing, "And your starting quarterback ... SAM BRADFORD!" Still, we don't think the loss of Bridgewater is that big a deal, but we'd still be starting Shaun Hill this week.
VIKINGS 24, PACKERS 23.
Philadelphia (+3) at CHICAGO (43): According to ESPN, Bears QB Jay Cutler says he empathizes with Philly rookie QB Carson Wentz, saying, "I mean, I had the luxury of being able to sit and watch Jake Plummer." Plummer must have been very good at smoking and giving people the finger.
BEARS 24, EAGLES 19.
Lock of the Week: Arizona
Trifecta: Arizona, NY Giants, Jacksonville