Sunday, September 29, 2013

The Hoser On The NFL Week Four, 2013 Season

Welcome to Week Four of The Hoser. Just some quickies today!

Pittsburgh (-3) at MINNESOTA (41): This neutral-site game presents London with no bangers and very little hope of mashing. Steelers 23, Vikings 17.
Baltimore (-3) at BUFFALO (44.5): Ravens 27, Bills 16.
Cincinnati (-3.5) at CLEVELAND (41.5): Should be an easy Bengals win. It won't be, but they'll still pull it out. Bengals 24, Browns 21.
Indianapolis (-8.5) at JACKSONVILLE (42.5): Colts 24, Jaguars 17.
Seattle (-2) at HOUSTON (41.5): Texans 22, Seahawks 17.
Arizona (+2.5) at TAMPA BAY (40): The Bucs are starting a virgin QB and may not have their top two WRs. That's a TD swing that never showed up in the line. Cardinals 23, Buccaneers 20.
Chicago (+3) at DETROIT (48): CFL repreSENNNTTTT! Bears 27, Lions 23.
New York Giants (+3.5) at KANSAS CITY (43.5): Last chance before every Giant joins Jimmy Hoffa under the Meadowlands turf. Chiefs 24, Giants 21.
New York Jets (+3) at TENNESSEE (40.5): Titans 22, Jets 13.
Dallas (-1.5) at SAN DIEGO (46.5): Two of my least-favourite teams. In any sport. Cowboys 26, Chargers 23.
Washington (-3.5) at OAKLAND (44.5): Betting we see Matt Flynn pretty quickly if Terrelle Pryor plays at all, and it might actually help. Raiders 26, Racists 20.
Philadelphia (+10) at DENVER (58): Broncos 31, Eagles 20.
New England (+3) at ATLANTA (49): Are the Patriots bringing anyone?!? Gronk and Danny Amendola didn't even make the trip. Falcons 29, Patriots 24.
Miami (+7) at NEW ORLEANS (48.5): Saints 31, Dolphins 20.

Lock of the Week: Tennessee
Trifecta: Tennessee, Houston, Arizona

Week Three Straight Up: 11-5
Week Three Against The Spread: 7-8-1
Week Three Total: $+90

Season Straight Up: 35-13
Season Against The Spread: 23-23-2
Lock of the Week: 2-1
Trifecta: 0-3
Season Totals: $-160

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Welcome to Week Three of the Hoser on the NFL, where my hold on mediocrity gets stronger with each passing day.

I went a humble 8-8 against the spread in Week Two, just barely keeping my head above water for the season. Another solid straight up week at 11-5, but no one cares about those numbers anyway.

San Diego (+3) at TENNESSEE (44): Chargers 26, Titans 20.
Cleveland (+6.5) at MINNESOTA (40.5): Make a note, Vikings fans -- this is likely the only week of this season where you can turn to your pals and say, "Boy, Christian Ponder is clearly the best quarterback on the field!" Vikings 23, Browns 10.
Tampa Bay (+7) at NEW ENGLAND (44): Worth tuning in to see in what creative way the Bucs implode this week. My best bet is in a close game, Josh Freeman suddenly takes his helmet off and sits down on the field until he is traded. Which I totally understand. Patriots 26, Buccaneers 17.
Houston (-2.5) at BALTIMORE (45): This is a huge game for the Texans, and finally a chance to shed their "can't win the big one" history. They won't. Ravens 23, Texans 20.
St. Louis (+4) at DALLAS (47.5): Cowboys 24, Rams 22.
Arizona (+7) at NEW ORLEANS (48.5): This Cardinal team is better than you think, and the one-game boost of having Sean Payton back on the sidelines was obviously gone for the Saints in Week Two. If it goes to +7.5, bet the house. Saints 23, Cardinals 17.
Detroit (+1) at WASHINGTON (49): Lions 26, Racists 17.
Green Bay (+3) at CINCINNATI (49): Game of the Week. Bengals 27, Packers 23.
New York Giants (+1) at CAROLINA (46.5): Eli wins his first of the season. Only five more to go. Giants 29, Panthers 20.
Atlanta (+2.5) at MIAMI (44.5): PROLINE ALERT! OLG is only -.5 on the Falcons for this one. Hammer it! Falcons 30, Dolphins 20.
Indianapolis (+9.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (46): The 49ers are gonna be PISSSSSED. Still, too big. 49ers 26, Colts 20.
Jacksonville (+18.5) at SEATTLE (40.5): I haven't seen a spread this big since my subscription to "Hot N' Hefty Mamas" ran out. Seahawks 30, Jaguars 13.
Buffalo (+2.5) at NEW YORK JETS (38.5): The Jets run the ball well and stop the run. The Bills don't run the ball well and don't stop the run. So why do I feel so weird picking New York? Jets 20, Bills 19.
Chicago (-2.5) at PITTSBURGH (40): Bears 24, Steelers 16.
Oakland (+14.5) at DENVER (48.5): Broncos 29, Raiders 16.

 Lock of the Week: Chicago

Trifecta: Minnesota, Chicago, New York Giants

Week Two Straight Up: 11-5
Week Two Against The Spread: 8-8
Week Two Total: $-480

Season Straight Up: 24-8
Season Against The Spread: 16-15-1
Lock of the Week: 1-1
Trifecta: 0-2
Season Totals: $-250

Thursday, September 19, 2013

The Hoser On The NFL Wek Three 2013 Thursday Edition

Cheesesteak vs. BBQ tonight - who ya got? Me, I'll always side with some ribs, but I think the Eagles will be a little too much for Kansas City. Kansas City (+3) at Philadelphia (50.5): Eagles 27, Chiefs 20.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

The Hoser on the NFL 2013 Week Two

Monday killed us last week, as we lost both games ATS and Houston's crappy first half killed our Trifecta. But Detroit nailed the Lock, and for the first week of the season, we survived.

Just the scores this week -- short on time.

San Diego (+7) at PHILADELPHIA (53.5): Eagles 28, Chargers 24.
Cleveland (+7) at BALTIMORE (43.5): Ravens 26, Browns 20.
Tennessee (+8) at HOUSTON (43): Texans 26, Titans 17.
Miami (+2.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (43): Colts 23, Dolphins 21.
Carolina (-3.5) at BUFFALO (43.5): Bills 24, Panthers 21.
St. Louis Rams (+5.5) at ATLANTA (46.5): Falcons 30, Rams 20.
Washington (+7.5) at GREEN BAY (49.5): Packers 29, Racists 24.
Dallas (+3) at KANSAS CITY (45.5): Cowboys 26, Chiefs 22.
Minnesota (+6) at CHICAGO (41): Bears 31, Vikings 17.
New Orleans (-3) at TAMPA BAY (48): Saints 30, Buccaneers 21.
Detroit (-2) at ARIZONA (48): Lions 27, Cardinals 17.
Jacksonville (-5) at OAKLAND (40): Raiders 24, Jaguars 16.
Denver (-3.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (55): Broncos 33, Giants 23.
San Francisco (+3) at SEATTLE (44): 49ers 26, Seahawks 20.
Pittsburgh (+6.5) at CINCINNATI (41): Bengals 24, Steelers 17.

Lock of the Week: Chicago

Trifecta: Chicago, Atlanta, San Francisco

Week One Straight Up: 13-3

Week One Against The Spread: 8-7-1

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

Week One Totals: +$230

Thursday, September 12, 2013

The Hoser On The NFL 2013, Week Two Thursday Edition

Here's your Week Two Thursday night game prediction -- stay tuned for the rest of the week early Friday morning:

New York Jets (+10.5) at NEW ENGLAND (41.5): I wish I could give credit to the person I heard someone say the Buccaneers "out-Jetted the Jets" at the end of last week's game. No one has to worry about that this week, as I'm sure Bill Belichick had his team's asses on fire in practice this week. Patriots 30, Jets 13.

Monday, September 9, 2013

So far, not so bad

Just a quick early recap! We have already hit our Lock of the Week and the Trifecta is still in effect (need Houston -3 tonight). Also, we bet a slightly different three-team parlay on ProLine, but hit that also, so up $15 in total after Week One!

Straight Up: 11-3

Against The Spread: 8-5-1

Sunday, September 8, 2013

The Hoser On The NFL 2013, Week One

Welcome to Week One of the 2013 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we're not as good-looking as Tim Tebow, but we're just as accurate.

The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line each week, because tradition, that's why.

For those of you who are just finding us, the first thing to know is this -- we're not to be taken seriously. We're still tallying our record from last year, but it certainly isn't good enough to use to make actual bets.

All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week: remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as stepping between a couple Alabama high-school football coaches. FOOOOBAWWWWW!

New England (-10½) at BUFFALO (49): With E.J. Manuel's return, it saves Buffalo from having to start a Tuel at quarterback. The Steelers will still do it, though. Patriots 33, Bills 17.
Tennessee (+7) at PITTSBURGH (42.5): There hasn't been this much prayer for a renewed Johnson since Jimmy Swaggart went soft in that hotel room. Steelers 24, Titans 14.
Atlanta (-3) at NEW ORLEANS (53.5): Unlike "OneD in 3D," this game should feature no D. Saints 27, Falcons 24.
Tampa Bay (-3) at NEW YORK JETS (40): Everyone's freaking out about New York's quarterback situation, but are the Bucs really any better off? Buccaneers 22, Jets 17.
Kansas City (-3.5) at JACKSONVILLE (41): Blaine Gabbert is healthy. 'Nuff said. Chiefs 24, Jaguars 16.
Oakland (+8.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (47): Signing Matt Flynn should come with a side order of Jennifer Lopez, because he is ... The Back-Up Plan. Colts 26, Raiders 23.
Minnesota (+4.5) at DETROIT (46.5): Adrian Peterson is predicting a 2,500-yard season, or about double what Christian Ponder will produce. Lions 30, Vikings 17.
Arizona (+4.5) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (41): Former STL vs. current The Loo. Prediction? Someone gets shot. Rams 27, Cardinals 20.
Houston (-3) at SAN DIEGO (44): We honestly have no idea how to pick now that Norv's gone. It was so easy to pencil in, "Lose stupidly late in the game" before. Texans 30, Chargers 16.
Green Bay (+4.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (49): Game of the week -- unless you're a Packers fan. 49ers 33, Packers 20.
New York Giants (+3) at DALLAS (48.5): An easy prediction -- at at least three times during this game, Tom Coughlin will appear to be passing Eli Manning through his colon. Cowboys 23, Giants 19.
Philadelphia (+3.5) at WASHINGTON (50.5): Still clinging to it, eh, racists? Racists 29, Eagles 19.
Cincinnati (+3) at CHICAGO (41.5): Somewhere Brian Urlacher is sitting in a Snuggie and crying. Bears 21, Bengals 19.
Miami (+1) at CLEVELAND (41): The Browns look to be improved this season. The Dolphins look to be ... the Dolphins. Browns 24, Dolphins 20.
Seattle (-3) at CAROLINA (45.5): Meh. Seahawks 29, Panthers 17.

Lock of the Week: Detroit

Trifecta: Oakland, Detroit, Houston

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

The Hoser On The NFL 2013, Week One, Thursday Edition

Welcome in! We're back for what we believe is our sixth season of some of the most half-assed, uneducated and completely untrustworthy National Football League predictions on the web.

Don't take us seriously, people -- we sure don't.

The format for the season will be explained fully in the full Week One edition, but here's how the columns will be released this year:

Wednesday night/Thursday morning: Thursday night game (if applicable)
Thursday night/Friday morning: Sunday & Monday games (also posted as always with our friends at SportsFilter
Over the weekend: Any news we think worth passing along, or line moves worth taking advantage of

For now, here's the Thursday night season opener. Enjoy the season!

Baltimore (+9) at DENVER (48): Retired Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis said this week the blackout at last year's Super Bowl was intentional because the Ravens had a big lead. It's a good thing the lights came back on, or everyone in the building could have wound up mysteriously stabbed (in a manner that absolutely nothing to do with Ray Lewis, of course -- just his friends). Broncos 24, Ravens 23.