Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 16 2011

The Saturday start caught us unprepared -- which should frankly make no difference in the accuracy of our picks. Good luck to those of you playing in your fantasy football championships this weekend and Merry Christmas to all!
Oakland (+2.5) at KANSAS CITY (42): We're surprised SeaBass's 65-yard-attempt last week just didn't rip the hand off the guy who blocked it. Raiders 22, Chiefs 16.
Denver (-2.5) at BUFFALO (43.5): You gotta think if Tebow actually HAS connections upstairs, they're gonna come through big time this week. Broncos 23, Bills 19.
Jacksonville (+7) at TENNESSEE (39.5): We thought the Jake Locker era would start last week. It should have. Titans 24, Jaguars 13.
Arizona (+4.5) at CINCINNATI (41): Did you know the Cardinals are 7-7? Does anyone know that? Bengals 20, Cardinals 17.
Miami (+8) at NEW ENGLAND (50): It's two-hoodie weather in New England, we think. Patriots 27, Dolphins 17.
Cleveland (+11.5) at BALTIMORE (39): Don't they know Peyton Hillis is back? Ravens 22, Browns 13.
New York Giants (+3) at NEW YORK JETS (47): Give the Giants credit -- I don't think I'd be able to show my face in New York after last week's performance. They were worse than that "Kung Fu Panda" Christmas special. Jets 23, Giants 17.
Minnesota (+6.5) at WASHINGTON (44): Free Joe Webb! Racists 23, Vikings 17.
Tampa Bay (+7.5) at CAROLINA (48.5): Don't let your kids watch this one -- the nightmares will keep them from getting to sleep and letting Santa do his work. Panthers 26, Buccaneers 17.
St. Louis Rams (+10.5) at PITTSBURGH (34.5): I hope Andrew Luck like Budweiser. Steelers 24, Rams 10.
San Diego (+2) at DETROIT (52.5): The Chargers are making their annual late-season rush, but it stops in the Motor City. Lions 29, Chargers 24.
San Francisco (-1) at SEATTLE (37.5): Game of the week here, and Beast Mode is still in effect for the holidays. Seahawks 20, 49ers 16.
Philadelphia (+1.5) at DALLAS (51): Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said this week he was scared of the Eagles, but he might have just been looking at old bills from his plastic surgeon. Cowboys 27, Eagles 24.
Chicago (+11) at GREEN BAY (42): Hoo boy, this could be a bloodbath. The Bears would be better off installing Brian Urlacher at QB and just running 60 sneaks. Packers 27, Bears 10.
Atlanta (+7) at NEW ORLEANS (52): Anyone else see the Falcon sideline every week and wonder how Gomez Addams got a sideline pass? Saints 29, Falcons 26.

Lock of the Week: New England
Trifecta: New England, Seattle, Dallas

Thursday, December 22, 2011

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 16 2011 -- Thursday edition

Houston (-7) at INDIANAPOLIS (40): I haven't consulted a calendar yet, but what lasted longer -- Indy's losing streak or the Kardashian marriage? Texans 26, Colts 16.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 15 2011

Picks are done and it's time to head out for a well-earned pancake breakfast. Enjoy and Merry Christmas to all!
Washington (+6.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (46.5): I'd be happier if both teams could lose this one. Giants 24, Racists 17.
Green Bay (-13.5) at KANSAS CITY (45.5): Unemployed NFL coaches will draw straws this morning and the loser runs KC today. Packers 27, Chiefs 10.
New Orleans (-7.5) at MINNESOTA (53): Shouldn't be much of a game, but it's fun to watch Toby Gerhart run over linebackers like Lindsey Lohan headed for a free bar. Saints 31, Vikings 20.
Seattle (+3.5) at CHICAGO (35.5): Sam Hurd should have advertised -- "It's the Windy City and boy, do we have your blow!" Seahawks 17, Bears 16.
Miami (+1.5) at BUFFALO (40.5): Dolphins hate the cold, don't they? Bills 20, Dolphins 16.
Carolina (+6) at HOUSTON (44.5): If you decide to bet against the Panthers, don't watch the game. Cam Newton will have your Fritos dancing in your stomach. Texans 26, Panthers 21.
Tennessee (-6.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (41.5): Welcome in Jake Locker -- about five weeks too late. Titans 22, Colts 13.
Cincinnati (-7) at ST. LOUIS (39): Unless your TV has a convection oven that automatically produces the snack food of choice for the home team (hello, toasted ravioli!), there's no reason to watch this game. Bengals 21, Rams 13.
Detroit (-1) at OAKLAND (48): There's no truth to the rumour that Ndamukong Suh spent his two weeks with the national touring company of Stomp. Lions 24, Raiders 20.
New England (-7.5) at DENVER (47): The QB who talks about Jesus vs. the actual Football Jesus. Patriots 26, Broncos 20.
New York Jets (+2.5) at PHILADELPHIA (44): It would be much cooler to see Rex Ryan square off against Andy Reid in a Philly cheesesteak-eating competition. Jets 19, Eagles 17.
Cleveland (+7) at ARIZONA (37.5): In a special promotion, Sheriff Joe Arpaio will be on hand to make sure no Hispanics get off the Cleveland team bus. Cardinals 20, Browns 16.
Baltimore (-2.5) at SAN DIEGO (44.5): Ray Lewis returns, which means tough time for the Charger offense and possible overtime for San Diego area police. Ravens 26, Chargers 19.
Pittsburgh (+3) at SAN FRANCISCO (39): Depends on two factors -- Big Ben's ankle and whether the 49ers bother to show up this week after last Sunday's debacle. We're betting yes. 49ers 17, Steelers 16.

Lock of the Week: Detroit
Trifecta: Detroit, Baltimore, Seattle

Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 15 2011 -- Thursday edition

Jacksonville (+13.5) at ATLANTA (42): This game would be more fun if the Jaguars had already moved to London. When that happens, it should be decreed that all highlights be backed by the Benny Hill theme music. Falcons 23, Jaguars 14.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 14 2011

Welcome to The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 14, where we finally have some time to give our picks and analysis the time and thought they so richly ... BWAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, couldn't make it through that sentence with a straight face.

Again, just the quickies.
Indianapolis (+16.5) at BALTIMORE (41): The lack of Ray Lewis at LB might allow the Colts to get TWO first downs. Ravens 27, Colts 12.
Houston (+3) at CINCINNATI (38): Texans 22, Bengals 17.
Oakland (+11) at GREEN BAY (51.5): Packers 34, Raiders 17.
Kansas City (+10.5) at NEW YORK JETS (36.5): Todd Haley is still talking playoffs. Jim Mora to the white courtesy phone, please. Jets 20, Chiefs 10.
Minnesota (+10) at DETROIT (47): Adrian Peterson may not be playing, but the Vikes will still get an ADP -- All Day Pounding. Lions 30, Vikings 13.
New Orleans (-3.5) at TENNESSEE (49.5): Saints 27, Titans 20.
Philadelphia (+3) at MIAMI (46): I'd stay far, far away from this game, but God, the line does a body good. Dolphins 23, Eagles 17.
New England (-8) at WASHINGTON (48): Patriots 31, Redskins 17.
Atlanta (-3) at CAROLINA (47.5): Falcons 26, Panthers 21.
Tampa Bay (-2) at JACKSONVILLE (39): Jaguars 23, Buccaneers 19.
San Francisco (-3.5) at ARIZONA (39): 49ers 24, Cardinals 10.
Chicago (+3.5) at DENVER (35.5): I wonder if the Bears have thought about calling Kyle Orton yet? Broncos 16, Bears 13.
Buffalo (+7) at SAN DIEGO (47.5): I'll be watching this one just to see how Norv Turner screws it up. Chargers 26, Bills 20.
New York Giants (+3.5) at DALLAS (49): I'm pretty sure the Cowboys could just sign some homeless guy right before kickoff and he'd have two TDs and 140 yards receiving. Cowboys 29, Giants 23.
St. Louis Rams (+9.5) at SEATTLE (37): I'd rather watch the Donald Trump "debate." Seahawks 23, Rams 7.

Lock of the Week: San Francisco
Trifecta: San Francisco, Houston, New Orleans

Thursday, December 8, 2011

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 14 2011 -- Thursday edition

Cleveland (+14) at PITTSBURGH: I haven't given up on the Browns, but just like "The Cleveland Show," I don't expect much any more, either. Steelers 29, Browns 17.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

The Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Week 13

Already missed the Seattle game. Yay.

Tennessee (+1.5) at BUFFALO (42): Titans 23, Bills 16.
Kansas City (+7) at CHICAGO (37): Bears 24, Chiefs 13.
Oakland (+3) at MIAMI (43.5): Dolphins 24, Raiders 20.
Cincinnati (+7) at PITTSBURGH (42.5): Steelers 20, Bengals 17.
Baltimore (-6.5) at CLEVELAND (38): Ravens 20, Bengals 14.
New York Jets (-3) at WASHINGTON (38): Jets 19, Racists 14.
Atlanta (-2.5) at HOUSTON (37.5): Falcons 26, Texans 20.
Carolina (+3.5) at TAMPA BAY (47): Panthers 23, Buccaneers 20.
Detroit (+9) at NEW ORLEANS (54): Saints 30, Lions 23.
Denver (+1.5) at MINNESOTA (37.5): Broncos 22, Vikings 9.
St. Louis Rams (+13) at SAN FRANCISCO (37.5): 49ers 26, Rams 14.
Dallas (-4.5) at ARIZONA (45.5): Cowboys 30, Cardinals 20.
Green Bay (-6.5) at NY GIANTS (52.5): Packers 33, Giants 23.
Indianapolis (+20.5) at NEW ENGLAND (47.5): Patriots 34, Colts 10.
San Diego (-3) at JACKSONVILLE (39): Chargers 23, Jaguars 21.

Lock of the Week: Atlanta
Trifecta: Atlanta, Denver, Dallas

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 13 2011 -- Thursday edition

We'll post this teaser haiku up now and should have everything else ready to go by tomorrow afternoon.
Philadelphia (-3) at SEATTLE (43):
Putting Philly fans
In a room with their QB?
Young -- and the restless.
Eagles 26, Seahawks 20.

The Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Week 12

Editor's Note: Not sure what happened, but my picks didn't post for some reason. They were posted at as usual, so here they are. Trust me, I didn't change anything as you can see from my Lock of the Week.

Being busy sucks. Went 2-1 against the spread and straight up on Thanksgiving. See you for haiku next week!

Arizona (+2.5) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (40): This week at quarterback for the Cardinals -- Charlie Trippi! Rams 22, Cardinals 16.
Buffalo (+9) at NY JETS (42): We haven't seen a collapse like this since Oprah took off her Spanx. Jets 26, Bills 19.
Cleveland (+7) at CINCINNATI (37.5): Peyton Hillis may finally return today. Yaaay. Bengals 21, Browns 17.
Houston (-6) at JACKSONVILLE (37.5): We have to admit, we're really pulling for Matt Leinart to succeed here. Texans 23, Jaguars 16.
Carolina (+3) at INDIANAPOLIS (47.5): Ugh. Colts 24, Panthers 20.
Tampa Bay (+3) at TENNESSEE (43): We may never hear from Matt Hassleback again. Titans 24, Buccaneers 17.
Minnesota (+9.5) at ATLANTA (44): The Vikings without ADP is like "Two And A Half Men" without Charlie Sheen -- just not worth watching. Wait -- "Two And A Half Men" wasn't worth watching before. Falcons 30, Vikings 14.
Chicago (+3) at OAKLAND (41): Reading wayyyyy too much into the loss of Jay Cutler. Bears 24, Raiders 16. 
Washington (+3) at SEATTLE (37.5): We'd bet there's a discussion of some book on Iranian pottery on Book TV right now. Go find it -- it'll be much more entertaining than this game. Seahawks 20, Racists 13.
New England (-3) at PHILADELPHIA (50.5): Do the Eagles actually have anyone healthy to dress for this game? Patriots 30, Eagles 20.
Denver (+5.5) at SAN DIEGO (42): Philip Rivers has six kids under the age of 10? Well, at least we know one thing he throws that doesn't get intercepted. Chargers 26, Broncos 23.
Pittsburgh (+10.5) at KANSAS CITY (40): The worst thing that could happen to the Steelers here is it's wet and Troy Polamalu's hair gets frizzy. Steelers 27, Chiefs 17.
New York Giants (+7) at NEW ORLEANS (50.5): And now begins the annual and inevitable slow decline of the Giants. Saints 31, Giants 22.

Lock of the Week: Chicago
Trifecta: Chicago, New England, Tennessee