Thursday, November 24, 2011

The Hoser's NFL picks for Thanksgiving 2011

Just quick hits today with rest to follow on Saturday. Enjoy your Thanksgiving, Americans!

Green Bay (-5) at DETROIT (55): Packers 30, Lions 24.
Miami (+7) at DALLAS (45): Cowboys 22, Dolphins 20.
San Francisco (+3.5) at BALTIMORE (40): Ravens 20, 49ers 19.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

The Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Week 11

Welcome to The Hoser's NFL Picks, Week 11, where, what the hell -- we're announcing we're in the running for the Republican presidential nomination. We haven't divorced a woman in a hospital, racked up a bunch of sexual harassment settlements or written racial slurs on rocks outside our house, but we'll hope you'll consider us anyway.

The Hoser had a strange week in Week 10, going 10-6 straight up and 8-8 against the spread but nailing both the Lock of the Week (Jacksonville) and the Trifecta (Jags, Texans, Patriots). That means an $820 gain, pushing us up over $4K for the year (fictionally, of course). We're wondering if any of the so-called money touts are 9-1 on the Lock this year. *thumps chest*

As always, remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Ashton Kutcher take over your Twitter feed while you're on vacation.

Editor's Note: You can check back -- we picked the Thursday game correctly on the spread but lost it straight up. Who cares? It's all about the Tebow!

Tennessee (+6.5) at ATLANTA (43.5): Doesn't it seem like Tennessee has only won two games this year? And yet here they are, 5-4 just like Atlanta. Give Mike Munchak a lot of credit. Falcons 26, Titans 17.
Buffalo (+3) at MIAMI (43): Anyone else think the Dolphins might win out? Dolphins 23, Bills 19.
Cincinnati (+6.5) at BALTIMORE (40.5): Ray Lewis is out for this game, which means maybe one more scoring opportunity for the Bengals and a better chance to cover this spread. Of course, it also increases the chances of someone being stabbed at the game. Ravens 20, Bengals 17.
Jacksonville (+1) at CLEVELAND (34): The statistical predictors we've seen have this as a tie. We'll give the edge to the Browns because Drew Carey looks like he could suit up for them. Browns 19, Jaguars 16.
Oakland (+2) at MINNESOTA (46): Weird line of the week. Are we missing something? Raiders 27, Vikings 16.
Carolina (+7) at DETROIT (47.5): How bad is the running back situation for the Lions? They just resigned Kevin Smith. He's big and low to the ground, but we don't know how he's gonna run in that trenchcoat. Lions 31, Panthers 17.
Tampa Bay (+14) at GREEN BAY (48.5): The game that sends the Buccaneers' season to Davy Jones' Locker for good. Packers 30, Buccaneers 17.
Dallas (-7) at WASHINGTON (41.5): Anyone else notice how much Mike Shanahan looks like Jeff Dunham's dummy Walter lately? Makes sense -- Walter has Dunham's hand up his ass, and you can bet Shanahan has the entirety of Dan Snyder up his. Cowboys 31, Racists 10.
Arizona (+10.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (40.5): The Cards won't win, but we like the John Skelton mojo. 49ers 24, Cardinals 14.
Seattle (+3) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (40): Rams 20, Seahawks 16.
San Diego (+3.5) at CHICAGO (45): If the Bears could somehow make Matt Forte the QB of a Tim Tebow-style offense, they'd never lose another game. Bears 24, Chargers 20.
Philadelphia (+6) at NY GIANTS (45): Vick and Maclin are out, and so is any hope in Philly. Giants 27, Eagles 17.
Kansas City (+15) at NEW ENGLAND (46.5): Normally, we wouldn't give two touchdowns, but normally you don't have an NFL team playing like a DIII art school squad. Patriots 34, Chiefs 10.

Lock of the Week: Oakland
Trifecta: Oakland, Cincinnati, New York Giants

2011 Week 10 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 10-6
Against The Spread: 8-8
Lock of the Week: 1-1
Trifecta: 1-1
Money: $+820

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 100-47
Against The Spread: 75-70-1
Lock of the Week: 9-1
Trifecta: 23-7
Money: $+4,250

2011 Week 10 Pro-Line: $0
2011 Season Pro-Line: $99
2011 Season Pro-Line: $169
2011 Total: $+80

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Thursday night quickie!

As Sean Connery would say on Jeopardy, "Just the way your mother likes it!"

New York Jets 23, Denver Broncos 20.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Hoser's NFL Picks 2011 Week Ten

Welcome to Week 10 of the Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Edition, where apparently the surefire way to have yourself an incredible week is simply not post the picks anywhere except here.

We had most of our picks written when we had to step out for a while, and when we came back, the post hadn't saved. Frustrated, our staff stomped out of the office and let off some steam by starting an impromptu "Occupy Bay Street" protest, but we were quickly bought off with free TimBits and passes to the Hockey Hall of Fame.

We didn't get back to our duties, however, until early Sunday. By that time, we could only make our picks, and post them here, instead of at SportsFilter, and, where we usually do. It worked out fine for us, though, as we posted a scorching 12-2 record against the spread and 9-5 straight up.

We missed the Trifecta thanks to St. Louis absolutely blowing it in Phoenix, but Atlanta pushed us to 8-1 for the Lock of the Week this year. In all, we picked up a tidy $1,380 for the week.

This week, we're off to a trade show for the weekend, so the notes will be brief (all of you clapping, shut up). As always, remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as sending your wife to a Herman Cain rally by herself.

Oakland (+7) at SAN DIEGO (47.5): Philip Rivers has to be a pretty good quarterback to throw six touchdowns in a game -- even if two of them were to Packers. Chargers 24, Raiders 20.
Pittsburgh (-3.5) at CINCINNATI (41.5): Reading this story, we're guessing the Bengals already have a contract on the way. Steelers 23, Bengals 20.
Denver (+3) at KANSAS CITY (41): Funny, there was precious little bitching about "Tebowing" this week, was there? Chiefs 23, Broncos 19.
Jacksonville (-3) at INDIANAPOLIS (37.5): Jaguars 26, Colts 16.
Buffalo (+5) at DALLAS (48): Cowboys 27, Bills 20.
Tennessee (+3.5) at CAROLINA (45.5): This line makes us wonder how big Danny Sheridan's mancrush is on Cam Newton. Titans 23, Panthers 21.
Washington (+4) at MIAMI (37.5): Miami  wins one game and they're favoured over Washington? We bet you could make diamonds in Mike Shanahan's sphincter right now. Dolphins 21, Racists 16.
New Orleans (+1) at ATLANTA (49.5): The game of the week and this one's closer than Jennifer Tilly's cans in that dress she wore on Craig Ferguson the other night. Falcons 27, Saints 21.
Detroit (+3) at CHICAGO (45): They say former Lions GM Matt Millen broke down on TV talking about Joe Paterno the other day, but we're pretty sure someone just slid a copy of his draft record in front of him. Bears 24, Lions 22.
St. Louis Rams (+3) at CLEVELAND (37): Sam Bradford has thrown just three TD passes this season. To put that in perspective, it's only three more than Jeff George. Browns 22, Rams 17.
Arizona (-14) at PHILADELPHIA (47): The line on this one just got posted and it's wider than Kim Kardashian's ass. Eagles 29, Cardinals 14.
Baltimore (-6.5) at SEATTLE (41): Supposedly, the Pittsburgh stadium staff insinuated Joe Flacco was a woman by showing his and Ben Roethlisberger's at the same time and playing "What's Your Name?" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Flacco can't be female, though -- Big Ben didn't try to sexually assault him. Ravens 22, Seahawks 13.
New York Giants (+3.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (42.5): Yep, it was all Mike Singletary's fault. 49ers 24, Giants 20.
New England (+2) at NEW YORK JETS (47.5): Now that the Patriots have jettisoned Albert Haynesworth, that saved weight should allow everyone flying on their charter to bring an extra bag. Patriots 26, Jets 20.
Houston (-3) at TAMPA BAY (45.5):  Annnnd justlikethat, Tampa Bay picks up Haynesworth and signals that yes, they are officially grasping at straws. Texans 26, Buccaneers 20.
Minnesota (+12.5) at GREEN BAY (51.5): Packers 33, Vikings 17.

Lock of the Week: Jacksonville
Trifecta: Jacksonville, Houston, New England

2011 Week 8 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-5
Against The Spread: 5-8
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-980

2011 Week 9 Hoser Picks: 
Straight Up: 9-5
Against The Spread: 12-2
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $+1,380

2011 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 90-41
Against The Spread: 67-62-1
Lock of the Week: 8-1
Trifecta: 2-7
Money: $+3,430

2011 Week 9 Pro-Line: $5 
2011 Week 7 Pro-Line: $0
2011 Season Pro-Line: $99
2011 Season Pro-Line: $169
2011 Total: $+80

Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Hoser's NFL Picks, 2011 Week Nine

Well, for some damned reason my draft didn't save. That's okay -- wasn't that funny anyhow. We'll catch up on last week disaster next week.

Picks for this week:

Atlanta (-6.5) at Indy (45.5): Falcons 34, Colts 13.
Tampa Bay (+8.5) at NEW ORLEANS (50.5): Saints 27, Buccaneers 14. 
Cleveland (+10.5) at HOUSTON (41): Texans 29, Browns 17.
New York Jets (+2.5) at BUFFALO (46): Bills 22, Jets 20. 
Miami (+4.5) at KANSAS CITY (40.5): Chiefs 24, Dolphins 20.
San Francisco (-5) at WASHINGTON (37): 49ers 23, Racists 17.
Seattle (+11) at DALLAS (45): Cowboys 27, Seahawks 17.
Denver (+7) at OAKLAND (41.5): Raiders 24, Broncos 14.
Cincinnati (+2.5) at TENNESSEE (41.5): Bengals 23, Titans 16.
St. Louis Rams (+3) at ARIZONA (41): Rams 20, Cardinals 17.
New York Giants (+9.5) at NEW ENGLAND (51): Patriots 31, Giants 24.
Green Bay (-6) at SAN DIEGO (50.5): Packers 30, Chargers 20.
Baltimore (+3) at PITTSBURGH (41.5): Ravens 20, Steelers 17.
Chicago (+8) at PHILADELPHIA (47): Eagles 24, Bears 19.
Lock of the Week: Atlanta
Trifecta: Atlanta, Cincinnati, St. Louis