Sunday, November 17, 2013

The Hoser on the NFL, Week 11 Edition

Last week was the first week in five years I missed making my picks. Not that anyone noticed, aside from my bookie, who was counting on my $50 to take his kid to Chuck E. Cheese. Sorry, Guido Jr.

Atlanta (+1) at TAMPA BAY (44): This game will be much more enjoyable if you invite Jason Snelling over. Buccaneers 24, Falcons 20.
Detroit (-3) at PITTSBURGH (45.5): Ben Roethlisberger's teammates have been hinting he needs to spend more time studying his playbook and becoming a more "cerebral" player. Perhaps they should surrounding the video room with drunk chicks and rohypnol. (Ed. note: I am terrified I just Googled the correct spelling of "rohypnol." It was just for this, NSA people.) Lions 24, Steelers 16.
San Diego (+1) at MIAMI (45.5): The Dolphins may not have a single person dressed on defense. Chargers 26, Dolphins 19.
Baltimore (+3) at CHICAGO (41): It says here Luke McCown is starting. In an NFL game. For the favoured team. *shakes head, lays off the sauce* Bears 24, Ravens 17.
Cleveland (+5.5) at CINCINNATI (40.5): The Browns are tougher than they get credit for, but the Bengals are due to drop the hammer in this series. Bengals 31, Browns 13.
Oakland (+9.5) at HOUSTON (41): RIP Todd Christiansen, who at once was a great tight end and frightened us all away from man perms. Texans 24, Raiders 16.
Arizona (-9) at JACKSONVILLE (40): Not yet, Jags fans, but a cover. Cardinals 24, Jaguars 16.
Kansas City (+9) at DENVER (49.5): Manning goes out in the first half with a bad ankle and the Chiefs win it in the end. Chiefs 23, Broncos 20.
Minnesota (+12) at SEATTLE (46): Russell Okung is back for the Seahawks, but the line's just too damned big and Minnesota gets one in garbage time to cover. Seahawks 26, Vikings 17.
San Francisco (+3.5) at NEW ORLEANS (50): Shootouts always favour the team with Drew Brees under centre. Saints 31, 49ers 27.
New England (+2.5) at CAROLINA (46):The Panthers are hot and Brady's banged up. If it goes to +3, parlay the hell out of the Pats, though. Panthers 19, Patriots 17.
Green Bay (+4) at NY GIANTS (41.5): Giants 23, Packers 20.
Washington (+4.5) at PHILADELPHIA (53.5): Eagles 29, Racists 20.
NY Jets (-1) at BUFFALO (40): Jets 20, Bills 17.

Lock of the Week: Cincinnati
Trifecta: Philadelphia, Kansas City, Cincinnati






Sunday, November 3, 2013

The Hoser on the NFL 2013, Week Nine Edition

Atlanta (+7.5) at CAROLINA (46.5): Panthers 26, Falcons 17.
Minnesota (+8.5) at DALLAS (51): Cowboys 30, Vikings 17.
New Orleans (-6) at NEW YORK JETS (46.5): Saints 27, Jets 20.
Tennessee (-3) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (40.5): Rams 23, Titans 14.
Kansas City (+4.5) at BUFFALO (41): Jeff Tuel. Again. Chiefs 24, Bills 14.
San Diego (+1) at WASHINGTON (49.5): Chargers 25, Racists 20.
Philadelphia (+1) at OAKLAND (45.5): Simply the home-field advantage. Raiders 26, Eagles 19.
Tampa Bay (+14.5) at SEATTLE (40.5): Seahawks 31, Buccaneers 13.
Baltimore (-1) at CLEVELAND (41.5): Ravens 23, Browns 20.
Pittsburgh (+5.5) at NEW ENGLAND (43.5): Patriots 24, Steelers 20.
Indianapolis (-1) at HOUSTON (44): Colts 27, Texans 16.
Chicago (+10) at GREEN BAY (51): Packers 29, Bears 17.

Lock of the Week: Indianapolis
Trifecta: Indianapolis, St. Louis, Kansas City

Sunday, October 27, 2013

The Hoser on the NFL, Week Eight 2013

San Francisco (-15) at JACKSONVILLE (39.5): 49ers 29, Jaguars 16.
Dallas (+3) at DETROIT (51): Lions 28, Cowboys 27.
New York Giants (+5.5) at PHILADELPHIA (49.5): Giants 27, Eagles 23.
Cleveland (+7) at KANSAS CITY (39.5): Chiefs 22, Browns 17.
Buffalo (+10.5) at NEW ORLEANS (48.5): Saints 27, Bills 17.
Miami (+6) at NEW ENGLAND (46.5): Patriots 31, Dolphins 20.
New York Jets (+5.5) at CINCINNATI (41): Bengals 21, Jets 20.
Pittsburgh (-2.5) at OAKLAND (40.5): Raiders 22, Steelers 20.
Washington (+10.5) at DENVER (57.5): Broncos 33, Redskins 23.
Atlanta (+3) at ARIZONA (46): Falcons 24, Cardinals 23.
Green Bay (-7.5) at MINNESOTA (47): Packers 34, Vikings 20.
Seattle (-11.5) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (43): Seahawks 26, Rams 10.

Lock of the Week: Green Bay
Trifecta: Atlanta, New York Giants, Green Bay

Thursday, October 24, 2013

The Hoser On The NFL 2013 Week 8 Thursday Night Edition

Carolina (-6.5) at TAMPA BAY (39.5): Ratings for this game will be low up against the World Series, but for Carolina vs. Tampa that'd be true if Spike was showing "Freddy Got Fingered" on a loop. Panthers 22, Buccaneers 16.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

The Hoser On The NFL, 2013 Week Seven Edition

San Diego (-7) at JACKSONVILLE (45): The Chargers CAN'T screw this up, can they? Chargers 26, Jaguars 16.
Houston (+6) at KANSAS CITY (39): After this loss, Gary Kubiak gets canned in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... Chiefs 27, Texans 13.
Buffalo (+6.5) at MIAMI (44): Hey, maybe FINALLY Matt Flynn will get a fair shot at being a starter in the NFL.
Dolphins 23, Bills 20.
Chicago (-1) at WASHINGTON (48.5): I don't have a clear decision on this, but my gut feeling is the Bears are at least a field goal better than the Racists, which nullifies home-field advantage. Bears 26, Racists 23.
Dallas (+3) at PHILADELPHIA (55.5): Michael who? Eagles 31, Cowboys 27.
Tampa Bay (+6.5) at ATLANTA (43): Did you know the Buccaneers have only scored 64 points in five games this season? Do you think Tampa's ownership knows? Falcons 24, Buccaneers 13.
San Francisco (-3.5) at TENNESSEE (41): Jake Locker's back. Yay. 49ers 23, Titans 20.
Cleveland (+9.5) at GREEN BAY (45): Pretty sure the Packers are so decimated in the WR corps, Max McGee is dressing. Go look it up, kids. Packers 24, Browns 17.
Baltimore (+2) at PITTSBURGH (41): If you can beat the Packers on the road, you can beat the Steelers anywhere. Ravens 21, Steelers 20.
Denver (-6) at INDIANAPOLIS (56.5): "This week on ManningFace..." Broncos 31, Colts 23.
Minnesota (+3.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (47): OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER. Giants 24, Vikings 21.
New England (-3.5) at NEW YORK JETS (43.5): Patriots 24, Jets 22.
Cincinnati (+2) at DETROIT (46.5): Lions 26, Bengals 20.
St. Louis Rams (+7.5) at CAROLINA (42.5): Panthers 23, Rams 17.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: Kansas City, San Diego, Detroit

Week Five Straight Up: 9-6
Week Five Against The Spread: 8-7
Week Five Total: $430

Season Straight Up: 57-35
Season Against The Spread: 41-49-2
Season Lock of the Week: 4-2
Season Trifecta: 0-6 Season Totals: $-970

Sunday, October 13, 2013

The Hoser On The NFL, Week Six 2013

Oakland (+7.5) at KANSAS CITY (40.5): Chiefs 24, Raiders 17.
Philadelphia (-3) at TAMPA BAY (45): Eagles 24, Buccaneers 23.
Green Bay (-2.5) at BALTIMORE (49): Ravens 23, Packers 20.
Detroit (-2.5) at CLEVELAND (43.5): Browns 22, Lions 19.
Carolina (+1) at MINNESOTA (45): Panthers 26, Vikings 20.
St. Louis Rams (+7.5) at HOUSTON (43): Texans 23, Rams 20.
Pittsburgh (-.5) at NY JETS (41): Jets 24, Steelers 20.
Cincinnati (-6) at BUFFALO (41.5): Bengals 23, Bills 20.
Tennessee (+11.5) at SEATTLE (41.5): Seahawks 29, Titans 20.
Jacksonville (+27) at DENVER (52): Broncos 37, Jaguars 13.
Arizona (+10) at SAN FRANCISCO (41): 49ers 26, Cardinals 17.
New Orleans (+2.5) at NEW ENGLAND (50.5): Saints 30, Patriots 27.
Washington (+5.5) at DALLAS (52.5): Cowboys 31, Racists 17.
Indianapolis (-1) at SAN DIEGO (50): Colts 27, Chargers 23.

 Lock of the Week: Carolina
Trifecta: Carolina, New York Jets, Cleveland

Week Five Straight Up: 7-7
Week Five Against The Spread: 5-9
Week Five Total: $-1050

Season Straight Up: 48-29
Season Against The Spread: 33-42-2
Season Lock of the Week: 3-2
Season Trifecta: 0-5
Season Totals: $-1,360